So next week I will finally be nine months pregnant. That means that I can really drop my baby any day now. I can't really focus any more. I mean, I'm scared. I will admit it. It's not something that you can be like, jeez that was hard, good thing I passed that! Whew.
No, because after that I have a whole life to take care of, to bathe, to feed, to worry about. In short, my life will change again. The whole birthing process scares the crap out of me. Wouldn't it scare you too? Most the females in my shop make everything seem worse than what it is. I know it's a game to them. But I also know that some of the things that they say are true. Like when they think about their contractions, they get this far away, painful look. It only happens in a split second, but if you know what you are looking for, you can see it.
What's even more scarier is that I am going on half days next week. That's not scary. I actually want to be put on half days. I practically fall asleep at work all the time. At least this way I can take naps through out the whole day. But what scares me is the reason why. And the fact that I am going to be alone on half days. That means if I want someone to drive me to the hospital, Donnie better decide to come out before ten that morning.
Although at least I get my body and mind back. It's been ridiculous. I just blow up at any random person, and every little thing pisses me off. I mean, I knew that I was a bitch, but still. I wasn't that much of a bitch.
I do want him to come out other than I want my sanity. I want to see my little baby, and hold him. I am always wondering what he will look like. It's just the whole labor and delivery part that I am scared shitless about.
Every weekend that approaches I know I have one less week to go. I almost cry when I realize that when he comes out and the novelty of him being born passes, I will still be alone with him. At least my constant companion will be here. Someone I can talk too. Even if he's too young to reply other than cry.
I got his nursey things this weekend. Now the daunting task of actually putting it together. AZ1 is supposed to be letting me have one of her old baby drawers for Donnie. But I don't see that happening. I also have to get some night lights for him and a light. I don't even have that in his room.
I wonder how different it will feel when I no longer feel him kicking me. I got so used to it, that I get sad thinking that I will never feel him kick my ribs. Which hurt, but still. At least I know he's safer there than the outside world.
Then I think weird things like what if he's a geek at school and he gets bullied like I did? I can hear my husband right now telling me to stop worrying, but I think that that's a worry every mother faces.
I want him to be small for the rest of his life, to be a child and never have to worry about how cruel the world is. I worry that I won't be there like my mom wasn't there for us kids. How can I promise forever to him when I don't know what tomorrow holds? How can I be a good mom with everything I faced in life?
I want him to be happy. Which leads me to the other thing I've been thinking of lately. How can people adopt their newborns out like they don't care? I don't care who you are, you have a connection to your fetus. It's like you and it (he or she) are on the same wave length as each other. Both can feel when the other one is upset, or happy, or sleeping. And I swear to you that you feel your baby's love for you even before it's born. I know my baby Donnie loves me. I also know that he knows who his daddy is. Every time Mike calls me and I put him on speaker phone, Donnie goes ape shit and starts kicking around, I guess trying to get his attention or something.
And last but not least of what I was contemplating about these few weeks. I met a neighbor of mine and we talked once while she helped me get the laundry up to my apartment. She said that her ex husband was in the military and got out. He couldn't find a job so now they are divorced because of it.
How can you divorce the one person that you swore your everlasting love to in front of your family and friends just because they have fallen on hard times? Isn't that lying? Part of your vows is practically saying that you will be there for the good as well as the bad. Yes, the economy sucks balls right now, but you should spend all that money to divorce your significant other if you are hard pressed for it! I can see divorcing for cheating, but because of no job? I couldn't do that. Mike pretty much can't get rid of me unless he breaks that promise. That's it. Oh and if he killed someone out of cold blood. I can see if we had a daughter and he killed the mofo who raped her. I'll stand by that.
I guess marriage isn't what it used to be. Love is taken for granted these days. That's why there are so many jerks out there. Because most of the time if you dig around, you would find out that they got pretty much jabbed in the ass a few times.
I was also thinking how lucky I am to have a husband like Mike. I wonder sometimes if someone else got me knocked up, how different they might react. It took him a minute (literally) to get over he was going to be a daddy, but he didn't throw your a whore and that's not mine at me. He got happy. In fact, he was the first one that was happy out of us two. Something little Donnie will never know about if I can help it. Hell he even worries that I still regret getting pregnant. Which I don't. Never did. It never crossed my mind that I just ruined my life. In fact most people told me I did and I laughed at them.
This sure is going to be a journey though. I wonder what the next five years will hold for us. I know that we will grow stronger as a family and as husband and wife. Plus I can't wait until we move to Oklahoma where we can escape my family's drama lama. I name him DL. :D