Merry Christmas!

Merry christmas to everyone who is reading this! As the christmas season draws near, remember that this holiday is supposed to be shared with family and loved ones. Also remember those who can't be home for the holidays and keep them in you're hearts.

I love this time of year. As december rolls around I find my self anticipating seeing the christmas lights and hearing the holiday songs. It truly is the best time of the year.

I don't know how many people read my blog, but I must apologize to my constant reader that I've been out of the loop for awhile. (I must believe that there is at least one person who checks on this blog every once in awhile.) Mother hood does eek your time away. But I wouldn't change that for the world. Just know this, Ill probably be spending a lot more time here than normal. The reason? One word, myspace.

Oh don't get me started with that site. As the years progress it's been getting lamer and lamer. But I figured that I would still keep my site there because I'd spent so much time and energy in my blogs, that it would take too much time to spend on a new one. But with this new beta verson that they installed, the blogs suck.

Before you were able to design your blog page the way you wanted. It even got to the point that you could put music in the background. I had my following, and I was content to post random topics that foung a foothold in my thoughts. But not anymore, enough is enough. They took the free will of bloggers every where.
You cant design your blog the way you want. So what is the point. I have a message for myspace, stop trying to compete with facebook. You're loosing, and doing this just makes more people delete their profiles and hop on facebook. Congratulations dumbass you just lost what little of a following you have now. Just roll over and die! With that being said, merry christmas again and have a great new year!

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Some thoughts

A month has almost passed. I am surprised that time is flying by so quickly. Before I know it, I'll be heading back to work for the last time. I don't think that I can leave my baby for so long though. It's going to be hard. Even if it's for a few days of eight hour work, I don't want to leave him.

So I saw physical proof that I am to get out six months early. More than one way I am glad of it. I know that I can't raise a family and stay in the military. Not happening. I can barely go to the store to get food and what not to survive by myself, how am I to take care of my newborn child with my husband stationed so far away from me?

In another way I am a little bit sad. I know that for all the military is BS, I will still miss it. Not the treat you like children and act like your dirt, but the friends that I made and the experiences that I have acquired, that's what I am going to miss. I am who I am because I decided to join. It wasn't the military that changed me, but I do have to say that if it wasn't for me going in, I wouldn't have changed and I would've still been the same old me. God, was I pathetic?

I surprisingly got in touch with two old friends that I haven't heard from in awhile. And what's the most irratating is both of them, never meeting the other one, said the same exact thing. That it's surprising that I am a mom now and they could never see me being one. Wow. I guess I wasn't the poster child for a family right?

Then again I have been contimpilating a lot about the decisions I have made. Not, should I have done this, but what would have happened if I never did this type of deal. I can't even fathom it. But one million and one things could have happened instead and I wouldn't be here right now.

A couple of weeks ago this female that I used to work with back in Japan claimed that anyone who got pregnant on sea duty is irrisponsible. How can you say something like that? Life happens. She's the one that pointed out that women have been having babies a lot longer than the military even being around. I wonder what made her change her mind on her own views?

Do you believe that you can know someone and not really know them? I mean you can know them for years and years and not truly know who they are? I think so.

Well, this post is going on for sometime now. These are just some thoughts that I have been pondering...

Bundle of Joy

March 26 2010 was the day that I became a mommy! I gave birth to a healthy baby boy who weighed 7 pounds and 3.8 ounces and is 21 inches long.

The 24 of March my husband came home on leave from Japan (finally.) We only had a day to be together before I ended up in the hospital. And it wasn't much because he just came off of a transcontinental flight and he slept most of the day when we came home.

That night I took my mother-in-law to Wal-Mart. My feet hurt so bad and I was tired. Plus my back started hurting. But I didn't think anything about it. I was nine months pregnant and my back hurt anyways. That reminds me, when Mike and I came home from the airport, I had to run out of my car because my back was killing my from sitting for too long. Little did I know that those two incidents were the triggers of my labor.

Chief gave me the next day off, I just had to call in to muster with him. Which was pretty cool because even though it is the same division, I work for Senior Chief, not Chief. But I wasn't going to point that out to him. He's pretty cool anyways. I remember every time I would open something up to eat it, he would come by and claim I ate to much. Really? 0.o

So I called in to muster and two hours later we were on our way to the hospital. My contractions actually started that night around one or so, I just didn't know it at the time. When we got there, I was only three centimeters dilated, so they made me walk around the hospital in total of four hours.

I was so nervous when it came time to push. Which was right around midnight or so. It took 26 minutes and Donald Ian Lawson made his entrance into the world.

But now I am alone again. I wish that I could go back in time. I would relive that night only because I would be with my husband again. I actually liked having company over. I even liked having my mother in law over. And she was kind of pissing me off before she visited. I cried a little when she left. Of course I couldn't cry in front of her because she's more emotional than me and I didn't want her to get all bummed.

I remember at the hospital they made us watch a shaking baby video. I can't believe that people can hurt their babies. Every time I look at my baby I get really sad. I can't even get mad at him. How can you kill your child? Or even hurt them a little bit? Espiscally when your child is an infant?

Nine months

I can't believe nine months have come and gone so fast. I haven't given birth yet, but it's getting close. Even I can feel it in my bones. I'm still scared about giving birth, but as the days approach I become calm about it. I think that I am more or less scared about the unknown than actually giving birth.

20 more days and Mike will be here. I can't wait. I haven't seen him since Christmas. And even then that day was depressing because he had to leave the very next day. Again we won't really be alone because family will be here. I love my family, but more than a part of me wants Mike to myself. I know that it sounds selfish, but it's true. At least Nanny will be here before he gets here too. I miss her too. Haven't seen her since Christmas either. And that was for a little while.

It's sad that our lives, which seemed so inseparable is separated by so many miles and so many memories. I guess that's a part of growing up, but sometimes I wish for those carefree days when we were kids. I'm going to stop this particular post right now, because it's going to make me depressed...

Nine Months and Counting

So next week I will finally be nine months pregnant. That means that I can really drop my baby any day now. I can't really focus any more. I mean, I'm scared. I will admit it. It's not something that you can be like, jeez that was hard, good thing I passed that! Whew.

No, because after that I have a whole life to take care of, to bathe, to feed, to worry about. In short, my life will change again. The whole birthing process scares the crap out of me. Wouldn't it scare you too? Most the females in my shop make everything seem worse than what it is. I know it's a game to them. But I also know that some of the things that they say are true. Like when they think about their contractions, they get this far away, painful look. It only happens in a split second, but if you know what you are looking for, you can see it.

What's even more scarier is that I am going on half days next week. That's not scary. I actually want to be put on half days. I practically fall asleep at work all the time. At least this way I can take naps through out the whole day. But what scares me is the reason why. And the fact that I am going to be alone on half days. That means if I want someone to drive me to the hospital, Donnie better decide to come out before ten that morning.

Although at least I get my body and mind back. It's been ridiculous. I just blow up at any random person, and every little thing pisses me off. I mean, I knew that I was a bitch, but still. I wasn't that much of a bitch.

I do want him to come out other than I want my sanity. I want to see my little baby, and hold him. I am always wondering what he will look like. It's just the whole labor and delivery part that I am scared shitless about.

Every weekend that approaches I know I have one less week to go. I almost cry when I realize that when he comes out and the novelty of him being born passes, I will still be alone with him. At least my constant companion will be here. Someone I can talk too. Even if he's too young to reply other than cry.

I got his nursey things this weekend. Now the daunting task of actually putting it together. AZ1 is supposed to be letting me have one of her old baby drawers for Donnie. But I don't see that happening. I also have to get some night lights for him and a light. I don't even have that in his room.

I wonder how different it will feel when I no longer feel him kicking me. I got so used to it, that I get sad thinking that I will never feel him kick my ribs. Which hurt, but still. At least I know he's safer there than the outside world.

Then I think weird things like what if he's a geek at school and he gets bullied like I did? I can hear my husband right now telling me to stop worrying, but I think that that's a worry every mother faces.

I want him to be small for the rest of his life, to be a child and never have to worry about how cruel the world is. I worry that I won't be there like my mom wasn't there for us kids. How can I promise forever to him when I don't know what tomorrow holds? How can I be a good mom with everything I faced in life?

I want him to be happy. Which leads me to the other thing I've been thinking of lately. How can people adopt their newborns out like they don't care? I don't care who you are, you have a connection to your fetus. It's like you and it (he or she) are on the same wave length as each other. Both can feel when the other one is upset, or happy, or sleeping. And I swear to you that you feel your baby's love for you even before it's born. I know my baby Donnie loves me. I also know that he knows who his daddy is. Every time Mike calls me and I put him on speaker phone, Donnie goes ape shit and starts kicking around, I guess trying to get his attention or something.

And last but not least of what I was contemplating about these few weeks. I met a neighbor of mine and we talked once while she helped me get the laundry up to my apartment. She said that her ex husband was in the military and got out. He couldn't find a job so now they are divorced because of it.

How can you divorce the one person that you swore your everlasting love to in front of your family and friends just because they have fallen on hard times? Isn't that lying? Part of your vows is practically saying that you will be there for the good as well as the bad. Yes, the economy sucks balls right now, but you should spend all that money to divorce your significant other if you are hard pressed for it! I can see divorcing for cheating, but because of no job? I couldn't do that. Mike pretty much can't get rid of me unless he breaks that promise. That's it. Oh and if he killed someone out of cold blood. I can see if we had a daughter and he killed the mofo who raped her. I'll stand by that.

I guess marriage isn't what it used to be. Love is taken for granted these days. That's why there are so many jerks out there. Because most of the time if you dig around, you would find out that they got pretty much jabbed in the ass a few times.

I was also thinking how lucky I am to have a husband like Mike. I wonder sometimes if someone else got me knocked up, how different they might react. It took him a minute (literally) to get over he was going to be a daddy, but he didn't throw your a whore and that's not mine at me. He got happy. In fact, he was the first one that was happy out of us two. Something little Donnie will never know about if I can help it. Hell he even worries that I still regret getting pregnant. Which I don't. Never did. It never crossed my mind that I just ruined my life. In fact most people told me I did and I laughed at them.

This sure is going to be a journey though. I wonder what the next five years will hold for us. I know that we will grow stronger as a family and as husband and wife. Plus I can't wait until we move to Oklahoma where we can escape my family's drama lama. I name him DL. :D

Seven months

I hit my seven month marker about a couple of days ago. That means I only have two months until lil Donny's here. I am torn between I can't wait and I can wait. I want him out of me. But on the other hand I am terrified of giving birth. I guess it's just something every first time mom goes through.

He's getting big too. And he's getting stronger. He can't kick as much as he used too. Thank you for that one. It was almost painful when he went full blast on my poor uterus. I don't think my stomach will be the same after I give birth.

So I got married in December. I would have blogged about it earlier, but first I wanted to spend as much time with Mike as I could get, and second, I just got internet today. Yay for that. Now I can sit on my ever fattening ass and watch T.V. while surfing the net... any couch potato would love. :D

I miss Mike though. It's so quite here. Even with the TV on. I wish he was here, to cuddle with. To at least curl up in the morning when it gets cold. But one day soon I get too.

God I forgot how much I miss That 70's show. Fez is so awesome. He reminds me of my friends T.C. Hehe.