Lazy Sunday

It feels like one of those days. Those really lazy days. I haven't been to work in four days and it's my last day to kick back for the weekend. I guess I earned it somehow. Plus tomorrow I go on leave. I guess I am just trying to put off packing right now. I have to wash my clothes and clean my room before I leave. That's just depressing. I hate cleaning. I guess I won't be a good house keeper, but meh, whatever.

A day and a half and I get to see Mike. I can't wait. It's been almost three months since I have seen him. I just don't want the days to go by so fast. I want to spend them slowly. But I will take what I get.

Some more happy news too. First I found an apartment that I am moving into when I get back from leave. It's a two bedroom two bathroom apartment right here on the island. It's about a half hour drive to work because it's not in Coronado, but on Silver Strand. It's a nice little apartment. I just have to worry about furnishing it now. Oh and coming up with the first months rent because my LPO hasn't ran my BAH yet.

The second thing is that I made third. Only 55 airmen made it, and I was one of them in my rate. I am so happy. At least I can get out of the navy as an E4. Even though most people could care less on the outside world.

Three more months and junior will be here. I am kind of scared for giving birth, but at least I will be nice and high when I do it. :D I want to hold him, see his little face and kiss him all over. I want to meet the little turd that wakes me up at night kicking and rolling.

Turkey Day and Driving

This was the first Thanksgiving back in the states and it was fun. I ended up going to Maria's, Guierez's, house for Thanksgiving in L.A. At first I felt like a third wheel because the only person I knew was her and ALL of her family was there. But they welcomed me in and gave me a place to sleep. Which was comfortable.

And what made me happy is that I made a new friend. We have plans to go get pictures taken after I have my little junior. And last night we were talking crazy about trying out for Playboy bunnies. But really, I don't see Mike minding if I actually became a bunny. And what is the worst they are going to say? No? Wow, hear a lot of that anyways.

So now all I am waiting for is for the exam results to come out and my week will be complete. Tomorrow I am going to go see my sister. But from L.A. it's going to be a long drive. But I will manage. I have to stop tomorrow to get some cash but it's worth it.

I'm kind of bummed because I have been a bitch to Mike lately and I never meant to hurt him. And now he's not calling me and I want to hear his voice, and not just that, I want to talk to him. I'm really sad. Yes we will see each other in December, but what for ten days? It gets me sad because I know that those days are going to fly by and I will come back to California by myself.

But what's awesome is that when I get back from leave, they will put me in military housing. So I will have a place of my own! I can cook my own meals and watch T.V. in my underwear with out worrying about who would see me. :D Okay maybe not in my underwear because I have a belly now, but you get the idea.

And then it's only three more months and the baby will be here. I have been freaking out about the thought about giving birth. I don't want to. But at least I can hold my little squirt and kiss him and watch as he smiles at me and giggles and all that good stuff. Plus Mike will be here then too and I get to be held by him at night as I sleep.

Life is just a dream

Have you ever felt like your life is just a dream? That reality will come and smack you in the face and you can take a big sigh of relief? Well that's how I feel like. Apart of me still wants to believe that I am back in Japan hanging with my friends. That part is waiting for me to wake up thousands of miles out of the country and that's it. Another part of me knows this isn't true, but still, I wish it was.

My friends are back in Japan, and it's hard getting ahold of them because of the time difference. But it feels like I can just hop a train and go visit them. Or at least walk out my front door and I can see them. And what's even more weird is that complete strangers look like people I know from a distance. And when I get close to them, they turn into someone else. I know it's just my mind playing tricks on me, but it's still creepy.

Three more weeks and I get to see Mike. I have been having these really awful dreams lately about him though. And sometimes it feels so weird. I hate it most of the time. But it's starting to bleed into reality. I get mad so easily at the mere thought of him, and it's only because every night those dreams are there. At least I am still dreaming about him. I guess that's one thing. Like one that I had was him not wanting to talk to me once he got home because he wants to party and sleep around without having a conscience. Even though I know it's not true, at least the last part with him sleeping around, I get mad when I don't hear from him. And it's not being mad at him. I just get mad. I think it might be the hormones or being pregnant or what.

My cell phone did a complete one eighty the other day. I lost the last one, got it replaced with the same number. And now I have ALL the numbers in my contacts that I had before plus the ones that I added. Creepy. Maybe it's just a happy christmas early from the cell phone company?

Time seems to be slipping by. I can swear that I just got here and now it's been almost three months. Three months of being by myself. I hate the navy for that. But at least I got about three and a half more months to go and I won't be pregnant anymore. I got to end this because even now I am getting even more mad. I can't help it though.

Cold days and Car Troubles

I am so irratated right now. My car has starting problems. What's worse is that google doesn't actually have the manual so I can look up the troubleshooting part. And what's even worse is that I have duty tomorrow. I should have let the mechanic take a look underneath the hood when I got my tire replaced. But pride took over reasoning. I mean, IM A MECHANIC, but not of the gas type. Still, sometimes I have to hang my head on this one. My thought, it's something to do with either the fuel line or the carburator. But without the manual, I have NO IDEA if I am right. If it was a deisel engine, I might be able to tell what the problem is.

Other than that, life is good. Can't complain. Other than my damned piece of shit car. But what can you do? Other than light it on fire and toast marshmellows off of it. That might make me happy, and warm and the marshmellow would be nice and gooy on the inside.

About a week ago I found out that I am having a boy. He is one pound already. What a fat little baby. :D I wanted a girl, but I am happy with what I got.

Three more weeks and I will get to see Mike again. I am so happy about that! I can't wait. It seems like forever since I got to see him.

The baby is kicking so hard now. I can feel it even if I am sitting down. Not so much standing, but I am sure that that will come later on. I just can't wait to see my baby face to face.

And man what can I say about my emotions, other than it's a roller coster? It seems like I am happy one minute and pissed the other. Almost bi-polar. And I get a funny feeling everytime I think of Mike and the baby. Not quite pissed, but moody for sure. I can't even handle myself.

Going home

So last night I took a drive up North back to my home. I felt like it was high time to get the hell out of San Diego for a little while. Haven't been back home in two weeks. That's one of the beautiful things about being stationed in California and having a car. I can just go home on the weekends. Albeit it's a long drive, but that's okay. I love driving home. Home gives me a sense of piece and I can go on the next week.



Last night I had flash backs like crazy to older days. I had the window rolled down right outside of town and that not yet winter smell brought me back to the days that I was a child and living in the outskirts of Sanger. Then I went through some old photographs on this computer and I found some pictures of me, Nancy, and Ann back in the day. I looked horrible, just wanted to point. Some of those hairstyles, ugh. But it still made me miss this place even more. Can't wait to get out of the Navy. Even though every thing has changed, I want to be able to come home. I miss my old days. Here are some pictures of us back then...

Truely alone again

Have you ever felt that numbing loneliness as you have no one to hang out with? Yeah, I'm feeling that right now. Mike is leaving very shortly on deployment. Even though he is still in Japan, I got used to having him call me every day. It was really sweet. And now I will have a silent phone, and no one to talk too. Not really. Although I have a feeling that me and my room mate is connecting in that we might could be friends. At least she lets me talk to her. I think I would go insane if I really didn't have anyone to talk too.

It's funny because my emotions are so mixed up right now. I feel bi-polar. Even though I know it's due to this pregnancy, I'm thinking of myself as insane. Like the smallest thing makes me mad now. Like when Mike stuck up for the easy chics pissed me off. Even though he was trying to tell me what he believes, it still made me mad. Or no emails from him saying good bye although he called me yesterday to do that. Or how he showed my ring to another female and claimed she wet her pants. That one pissed me off to know end. Even though I'm good at hiding my anger because I know that it is unsound and lunatic. But really, the last one I think any woman would get mad at. Who would show another woman, who both knows flirts with him, his fiance's wedding ring then tells said fiance that she wet her pants? I know that it was supposed to be meant as a compliment that even she likes the ring, but still.

And point in case, even thinking about it makes me mad. Or when I am watching Smallville, and I hear the opening song, I want to cry because I miss Mike. This is so hard. I don't know how I am going to manage.

But everytime I try and tell someone that I feel overwhelmed, it's you can do it, don't worry. Can't I just break down every once in awhile? I heard that some people want to break their legs or get into an accident so they won't go on this deployment, I would rather trade with them my problems and go back to the boat. I would rather face deployment than worrying where I will live in a month or what I will drive, or what furniture I will have. And what's the shitty part is that most of my family has turned their back on me. Like I have a disease or something

The only person that really hasn't is my sister. Then again we have been stuck to each other since birth that it's probably written in our genetic code somewhere. At least I get to see my twin next weekend. That makes me happy.

I went to the doctor Friday for my prenatal checkup. It went well. I got to hear my baby's heartbeat on the doppler. And right there I wished that Mike was there. It lost some magic because he couldn't listen to it either. I'm not trying to make him out to be a martyr or anything, like poor mike. But I feel bad that he can't hear his baby's heartbeat either.

Where a door closes, a window opens

Have you ever heard that saying before? Where the door closes, a window opens. It means when you think that you are out of hope or options or whatever, there's always one that jumps up and surprises you. And mostly it's going to be at a time you least expect it.

So what's ironic is that my own blood family told me that I was SOL with helping get a car. What's sad my adopted father, not even my real father, said he would help out with getting me a car if he saw one up where he lives that's for sale. How's that one? How can you sit there and tell your PREGNANT niece that your shit out of luck? Or you PREGNANT granddaughter? That's so messed up. They are treating me like I'm shit on their shoe. I think I should have listened to my sister and stopped talking to them a long time ago.

Earlier today I felt so alone. I woke up crying from my nap because I dreamed that I went through the pregnancy and the birth all by my self. But then I remembered that Farva, one of my friends gave me his phone number before I left Japan. So I called him. He said that he would help out as much as he can, what with helping me move and moving furniture. He even said that if I needed a car, he would loan one of his to me. I would have to pay for the insurance every month to him, but if that way is faster for getting a car, then I will take it.

Plus it's a 1973 something or other, so it's not made from beer cans. I mean if he can't come through, at least it's the offer that matters. That means that he really is a friend. Because I would never even consider offering my help to someone who wasn't my friend. Sorry, it sounds like a bitch move, but it's true.

So I won't be entirely alone here. At least there's someone tho hang out with that I have known more than a few days. Hell I've known him for almost a year. And if he really does help me, then I would owe him so much, I wouldn't know how to repay him.

I still miss Mike. He made me laugh today with the whole broom thing, it's an inside joke. But I love him for making me laugh. He's so goofy. I wish I could fall asleep with him, that was a nice feeling. But that's okay, got another two and a half months or three until I see him again. I can't wait.

Preditor vs. Prey

I am going to take a break with the whole it's my life theme for my blog for right now. The reason was earlier today I was day dreaming today. Which happens alot now that I am preggo.

Anyways, what I was daydreaming was how ironic everything in the world has something bigger than it that is it's natural preditor. Take for example a fish, it gets eaten by the bear. Or even better, the cat that eats the mouse that gets eaten by the dog who gets killed by the bear. Okay, I doubt a bear will pop up somewhere and kill that dog. Point being, everything gets eaten by something else. It's nature's way of controlling the population.

Except for man. We have nothing that is our natural preditor. So are we a plague on the world? Like a cancer slowing eating the body up until the host dies? Some comedian, I forgot who, stated that we are a cancer.

If you take a look, we act like cancer. We use the natural resources in one place then we move on to another better place until we can't go anywhere else. That's how cancer works in the body's blood and cells and so forth.

Or what if we had a preditor back in the day and we killed them all off. Now nature can't control our population? It's something to think about.

Three month marker

Okay, so I know that I am a couple days off, but if Medical's right about me being fourteen weeks pregnant, I am actually 12 weeks pregnant. Still no sign of the baby bump, which is a good thing. I hate when people ask me if I am pregnant. And then the look they give me, come on, it happens.

My second day in my new command sucked. I had a second class jump me because I "cussed too much" for some of the airman. Really now, if you joined the military and can't handle foul language being tossed around, you should never have joined. Just grow up already. I cuss, it doesn't hurt anyone. It might make me look stupid, but still.

On the brighter side, this morning was foggy. It was the first sign of fall. I was happy when I saw it. It reminded me of back home when I was a kid in a way. Even though I am miles away from home still. Plus it was colder too. Which I am beggining to realize I love the cold. My feet burn all the time and it feels like someone lit them on fire sometimes.

Maybe I can see my sister this weekend. If not then I am going to go to my Aunt's house and see if I can't borrow her Mazda until I get my car back, if I can get my car back. It's so tied up in legal issues right now, I doubt it. The plus side is that eventually I have to be paid back the money I have been paying on the loan. So that's something.

Plus I have to move out of the barracks here pretty soon. They don't like pregnant women living in them, so it's out for me. I found a really nice apartment. The down payment is only 900 dollars and it's nine hundred a month for a two bedroom one bath. Which would be perfect for me and the baby. Plus when Mike comes early next year too.

Sometimes though I feel kind of pushed to grow up all of a sudden and so alone doing it too. I know that I got family to turn too if I really need help, but I am not ready to really be an adult and take on the responsibilities. I will because at one point in life you have too. You have to put away the silly childhood games and take on the boring world.

I have to give in here pretty soon and buy the maternity uniforms. They look really hidious and that will really make me stick out. The only thing I am looking forward too is being able to feel my baby kick! I can't wait. That's what makes my day better, knowing that I am not alone. Not really.

I have another appointment with a CIVILIAN midwife in early october. I can't wait. This one is a test for a quad screening. Meaning they will see if my little squirt has any mental deseases going on. At least that way I can put to rest the what if questions.

I know that I will love the little bugger even if it comes out looking like an alien. It's weird, I think I love it already.

Lost Count

I lost count on what week I am on now. I know it hasn't been three months so that makes it between ten and eleven weeks. Maybe even in my eleventh week right now.

It has been a hectic weekend. I had to leave Japan and leave Mike behind. Also leave all my friends. I am in a foreign town where I don't know anyone. I was here last year, but that was different because the boat was here. Now I have to face this alone.

At least my parents were there when I landed at the airport. That was a nice surprise. Today I have to go check into my barracks and my command. I wish I didn't have too. I wish I was still in Japan, curled up with Mike, sleeping right now.

So yesterday we went to the mall and was looking at baby clothes. I really am hoping for a girl now because there's a bigger selection of clothes for girls. And they are all cute. I will love my baby either way, but yesterday I was really excited when I saw the baby clothes.

It was weird because the baby clothes remind me of doll clothes. How can people start out so small? Anyways, I have to go check out of the hotel and go check into my command.

The nineth week and counting

So I went to my medical appointment Thursday. The baby is doing fine. It was the first time that I got to hear the heart beat and actually see the thing that has been making me sick in the mornings.

I was so happy Thursday because that was when the ship pulled in and Mike was there. I rushed out of that hospital and got a ride to the train station just to meet him. As it was I was early and he wasn't there. But it was fine because he was back. All weekend we just hung out with eachother.

Friday my orders popped though. I found out that before my birthday in ten days, I am leaving Japan for good and going to San Diego, away from the one person that I love. It's pure BS. If the Navy was so family orientated, why do they like splitting couples up like that?

It's only natural for a woman to get pregnant, they don't need to act like it's a dirty thing. And they most certainly shouldn't split the couples up. I am hoping for another weekend with Mike before I leave though. It's a great self delision act. Act like everything is still normal.

I already miss him, and I wonder how I am going to survive without him. He's the only person that makes me happy, the only person that makes me laugh. He's such a dork that it's funny. And I know that when I feel down, he acts like a dork just to make me laugh.

Maybe he's right and this baby just brought us closer and made us realize how much we mean to each other. I certainly hope so. I know that he's worried that when he goes state side and we can finally be together, I won't be there, I would already give up on him. Which isn't true.

I am just worried that he will fall in love with someone else all over again while I am gone and forget about me. It's stupid worries that even he pointed out, but still. I've seen it happen over and over again with couples.

Well anyways, gotta iron the uniform and finish getting ready to go to work.

YAY

Another week and Mike comes home. I can't wait. I have been counting down the days since getting here.

So I went to Roppongi last weekend for the first time. Had some ice cream that had ice on top with red dye. It was actually good. Learned not to eat purple ice cream. That tastes like yam! Eww. And you can't blame me for my hormonial tastes for that. I also went to Tokyo Tower. Tokyo looks so crowded. You could barely see the palace from the tower.

I had major clausterphobia in that elevator. In Japan, there's no such thing as personal space. That and when we were going up, I was freaking out. I hate heights. And going up like 650 meter, just sucks.

But all and all I had fun. It was a day to forget that I was pregnant, to forget my worries and just have fun. And I loved that. I hate not doing anything, not going anywhere. Espiscally now, when it seems like everything is overwhelming me.

Mike wants to know where I would get married. We are not having a traditional wedding because of our beliefs, but honestly, I can't say. I would love to get married on a beach somewhere remote, but we are getting married in Oklahoma, so that's a no for the beach. I'm sure that it will work out in the end.

Next week I also have another checkup. This one I really will have an ultrasound done. My pants are becoming more and more tight on me. Now it's to the point of leaving marks on my belly and hips. I can only stay in these for so long and I have to get out of them. But I refuse to buy maternity uniforms. That's an embarrasing uniform because it tries to hide your belly. And it makes people stare. The pants can't help it, that's what they were designed to do.

At my seventh? week

I have a question mark right after the seventh because I think that I am getting close to the big seven week mark. My stomach hasn't gotten that much bigger yet. Thankfully I still can fit in my uniform.

My gums are starting to bleed. The dentist tells me that I would have to start flossing. I haven't flossed because my teeth are sensitive and it hurts. At this point, I would do anything just to have my gums be normal.

I am also thinking about putting pictures up on here that marks my week progression. It seems like every other woman likes to take pictures and leave them on the internet, why can't I? It's not like I am hidding anything. The whole world knows. Yes, I'm speaking to all of you readers.

I am waiting for the puking to start. The docs tell me that it's because I am not far along enough to have that pleasant vistor come to call. But still, not looking for that one. Although when I wake up in the morning, I get into a cold sweat and feel like I am going to puke. Two years out on the seas have taught me to play a trick with my own mind. It's simple, everytime you think you are going to puke, think of something else. Usually I start to picture the boat rocking and it calms my stomach because the next thing I think about is a flat surface, ie, a road. That calms my stomach down.

Also it seems like I can't control my emotions. I just want to either cry, be mad, or be happy in the space of five seconds. It's crazy. Mike and I are arguing over every little thing now through our emails, and I wish it wasn't like that. I don't want him to think that he has to be careful around me because he might pull the plug and get some weird/crazy emotion whirling at him.

I am still in Japan though. I don't want to be here anymore. I want to be where my family is. Where home is. I want to be near Mike, I want to see him on a regular basis. But instead we are forced to write emails back and forth and it's kind of hard because we work on two total different shifts.

Anyways, I will end this particular blog here because I don't want it going into a ranting fit.

I went back to the OB today, found out my due date. Which is the 28 of March. I doubt that that is actually my due date, seeing as how I know when I concieved. But at least it gives me a date to go off of it. Am I nervous? Hell yeah I am. I wish that eight months go by quickly and I don't remember giving birth. Like if I just close my eyes and open them, there's a baby in my arms. I know, it sound kind of crazy. But can't help what I am feeling.

I am also worried about my sister. She isn't doing too good. She says that she is getting more and more tired and the sun hurts her eyes. I hope that it's not a relapse. And I hope that she isn't lying to me because I'm pregnant and she doesn't want to worry me. I am already worried, so why hide it?

I miss Mike. It sucks that we only have emails to keep in contact. How can I possibly let him know every tiny aspect of my life if he's not here. I wish he was here to hold me, and be my body pillow. I know what he would say if he read this, that I shouldn't be sad. But how can I help it? I try and forget that I am in a foreign country alone without anyone. But it's hard sometimes.

The other night I dreamed that I gave birth to my baby, but it was so tiny and so wrinkly. Like how could it possibly live? And the doctors were trying to get me to breast feed it, and I kept pushing the baby away because I was scared of it. When I woke up, I thought that it was real. I hope that my baby doesn't come out like that dream. It's not even a face that a mother would love.

I blame the movie the Unborn for that one. How can someone really think to make a movie that creepy then sell it to the general public? You want to know my secret fear? That I will turn into my mother. That I will be a spineless, worthless person. That I won't keep any of my promises, and that I will turn hypacrytical. That's why I didn't want to have kids.

Baby bouncing

So I found out maybe a week and a half ago that I am pregnant. It was the worst time to find out because I was deployed. But after the shock of finding out, I am excited. So I am going to make this blog centered on my pregnancy.

I am almost five weeks pregnant. (The doctors think around six and a half. But I know when I concieved, and it was almost five weeks ago.) Mike, my boyfriend is really happy. His sister took me in like another sister, so I am grateful for that.

In another four months I will know what sex my child is. Hopefully it is a girl. If so then we are going to name it Cathrine Marie. If it's a boy then we are going to name it Donald Ian. I don't care if I don't get a girl. I will love my child either way.

What is hard right now is that Mike is away on deployment still. I am hoping that I will stick around Japan long enough for the boat to pull in. That way I can see him one last time before they send me state side.

I am not having morning sickness, and if you didn't know me before, you wouldn't guess that I am preggers. My stomach got a little bit bigger, but not by much. I am worried that I won't be a good mom.

I also picked up the book What to expect when you are expecting. It answered many questions. I will also ask some more to the OB. My first prenatal visit is next monday. I hope it goes alright. They already took five vials of blood from me to test to make sure that I am okay. Which I know I am because they ran the same exact tests not even a year ago. I guess you can't be too cautious?