Sunday, October 25, 2009

Going home

So last night I took a drive up North back to my home. I felt like it was high time to get the hell out of San Diego for a little while. Haven't been back home in two weeks. That's one of the beautiful things about being stationed in California and having a car. I can just go home on the weekends. Albeit it's a long drive, but that's okay. I love driving home. Home gives me a sense of piece and I can go on the next week.

Last night I had flash backs like crazy to older days. I had the window rolled down right outside of town and that not yet winter smell brought me back to the days that I was a child and living in the outskirts of Sanger. Then I went through some old photographs on this computer and I found some pictures of me, Nancy, and Ann back in the day. I looked horrible, just wanted to point. Some of those hairstyles, ugh. But it still made me miss this place even more. Can't wait to get out of the Navy. Even though every thing has changed, I want to be able to come home. I miss my old days. Here are some pictures of us back then...




Saturday, October 3, 2009

Truely alone again

Have you ever felt that numbing loneliness as you have no one to hang out with? Yeah, I'm feeling that right now. Mike is leaving very shortly on deployment. Even though he is still in Japan, I got used to having him call me every day. It was really sweet. And now I will have a silent phone, and no one to talk too. Not really. Although I have a feeling that me and my room mate is connecting in that we might could be friends. At least she lets me talk to her. I think I would go insane if I really didn't have anyone to talk too.

It's funny because my emotions are so mixed up right now. I feel bi-polar. Even though I know it's due to this pregnancy, I'm thinking of myself as insane. Like the smallest thing makes me mad now. Like when Mike stuck up for the easy chics pissed me off. Even though he was trying to tell me what he believes, it still made me mad. Or no emails from him saying good bye although he called me yesterday to do that. Or how he showed my ring to another female and claimed she wet her pants. That one pissed me off to know end. Even though I'm good at hiding my anger because I know that it is unsound and lunatic. But really, the last one I think any woman would get mad at. Who would show another woman, who both knows flirts with him, his fiance's wedding ring then tells said fiance that she wet her pants? I know that it was supposed to be meant as a compliment that even she likes the ring, but still.

And point in case, even thinking about it makes me mad. Or when I am watching Smallville, and I hear the opening song, I want to cry because I miss Mike. This is so hard. I don't know how I am going to manage.

But everytime I try and tell someone that I feel overwhelmed, it's you can do it, don't worry. Can't I just break down every once in awhile? I heard that some people want to break their legs or get into an accident so they won't go on this deployment, I would rather trade with them my problems and go back to the boat. I would rather face deployment than worrying where I will live in a month or what I will drive, or what furniture I will have. And what's the shitty part is that most of my family has turned their back on me. Like I have a disease or something

The only person that really hasn't is my sister. Then again we have been stuck to each other since birth that it's probably written in our genetic code somewhere. At least I get to see my twin next weekend. That makes me happy.

I went to the doctor Friday for my prenatal checkup. It went well. I got to hear my baby's heartbeat on the doppler. And right there I wished that Mike was there. It lost some magic because he couldn't listen to it either. I'm not trying to make him out to be a martyr or anything, like poor mike. But I feel bad that he can't hear his baby's heartbeat either.