Monday, August 10, 2009

I went back to the OB today, found out my due date. Which is the 28 of March. I doubt that that is actually my due date, seeing as how I know when I concieved. But at least it gives me a date to go off of it. Am I nervous? Hell yeah I am. I wish that eight months go by quickly and I don't remember giving birth. Like if I just close my eyes and open them, there's a baby in my arms. I know, it sound kind of crazy. But can't help what I am feeling.

I am also worried about my sister. She isn't doing too good. She says that she is getting more and more tired and the sun hurts her eyes. I hope that it's not a relapse. And I hope that she isn't lying to me because I'm pregnant and she doesn't want to worry me. I am already worried, so why hide it?

I miss Mike. It sucks that we only have emails to keep in contact. How can I possibly let him know every tiny aspect of my life if he's not here. I wish he was here to hold me, and be my body pillow. I know what he would say if he read this, that I shouldn't be sad. But how can I help it? I try and forget that I am in a foreign country alone without anyone. But it's hard sometimes.

The other night I dreamed that I gave birth to my baby, but it was so tiny and so wrinkly. Like how could it possibly live? And the doctors were trying to get me to breast feed it, and I kept pushing the baby away because I was scared of it. When I woke up, I thought that it was real. I hope that my baby doesn't come out like that dream. It's not even a face that a mother would love.

I blame the movie the Unborn for that one. How can someone really think to make a movie that creepy then sell it to the general public? You want to know my secret fear? That I will turn into my mother. That I will be a spineless, worthless person. That I won't keep any of my promises, and that I will turn hypacrytical. That's why I didn't want to have kids.

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