Lazy Sunday

It feels like one of those days. Those really lazy days. I haven't been to work in four days and it's my last day to kick back for the weekend. I guess I earned it somehow. Plus tomorrow I go on leave. I guess I am just trying to put off packing right now. I have to wash my clothes and clean my room before I leave. That's just depressing. I hate cleaning. I guess I won't be a good house keeper, but meh, whatever.

A day and a half and I get to see Mike. I can't wait. It's been almost three months since I have seen him. I just don't want the days to go by so fast. I want to spend them slowly. But I will take what I get.

Some more happy news too. First I found an apartment that I am moving into when I get back from leave. It's a two bedroom two bathroom apartment right here on the island. It's about a half hour drive to work because it's not in Coronado, but on Silver Strand. It's a nice little apartment. I just have to worry about furnishing it now. Oh and coming up with the first months rent because my LPO hasn't ran my BAH yet.

The second thing is that I made third. Only 55 airmen made it, and I was one of them in my rate. I am so happy. At least I can get out of the navy as an E4. Even though most people could care less on the outside world.

Three more months and junior will be here. I am kind of scared for giving birth, but at least I will be nice and high when I do it. :D I want to hold him, see his little face and kiss him all over. I want to meet the little turd that wakes me up at night kicking and rolling.

Turkey Day and Driving

This was the first Thanksgiving back in the states and it was fun. I ended up going to Maria's, Guierez's, house for Thanksgiving in L.A. At first I felt like a third wheel because the only person I knew was her and ALL of her family was there. But they welcomed me in and gave me a place to sleep. Which was comfortable.

And what made me happy is that I made a new friend. We have plans to go get pictures taken after I have my little junior. And last night we were talking crazy about trying out for Playboy bunnies. But really, I don't see Mike minding if I actually became a bunny. And what is the worst they are going to say? No? Wow, hear a lot of that anyways.

So now all I am waiting for is for the exam results to come out and my week will be complete. Tomorrow I am going to go see my sister. But from L.A. it's going to be a long drive. But I will manage. I have to stop tomorrow to get some cash but it's worth it.

I'm kind of bummed because I have been a bitch to Mike lately and I never meant to hurt him. And now he's not calling me and I want to hear his voice, and not just that, I want to talk to him. I'm really sad. Yes we will see each other in December, but what for ten days? It gets me sad because I know that those days are going to fly by and I will come back to California by myself.

But what's awesome is that when I get back from leave, they will put me in military housing. So I will have a place of my own! I can cook my own meals and watch T.V. in my underwear with out worrying about who would see me. :D Okay maybe not in my underwear because I have a belly now, but you get the idea.

And then it's only three more months and the baby will be here. I have been freaking out about the thought about giving birth. I don't want to. But at least I can hold my little squirt and kiss him and watch as he smiles at me and giggles and all that good stuff. Plus Mike will be here then too and I get to be held by him at night as I sleep.

Life is just a dream

Have you ever felt like your life is just a dream? That reality will come and smack you in the face and you can take a big sigh of relief? Well that's how I feel like. Apart of me still wants to believe that I am back in Japan hanging with my friends. That part is waiting for me to wake up thousands of miles out of the country and that's it. Another part of me knows this isn't true, but still, I wish it was.

My friends are back in Japan, and it's hard getting ahold of them because of the time difference. But it feels like I can just hop a train and go visit them. Or at least walk out my front door and I can see them. And what's even more weird is that complete strangers look like people I know from a distance. And when I get close to them, they turn into someone else. I know it's just my mind playing tricks on me, but it's still creepy.

Three more weeks and I get to see Mike. I have been having these really awful dreams lately about him though. And sometimes it feels so weird. I hate it most of the time. But it's starting to bleed into reality. I get mad so easily at the mere thought of him, and it's only because every night those dreams are there. At least I am still dreaming about him. I guess that's one thing. Like one that I had was him not wanting to talk to me once he got home because he wants to party and sleep around without having a conscience. Even though I know it's not true, at least the last part with him sleeping around, I get mad when I don't hear from him. And it's not being mad at him. I just get mad. I think it might be the hormones or being pregnant or what.

My cell phone did a complete one eighty the other day. I lost the last one, got it replaced with the same number. And now I have ALL the numbers in my contacts that I had before plus the ones that I added. Creepy. Maybe it's just a happy christmas early from the cell phone company?

Time seems to be slipping by. I can swear that I just got here and now it's been almost three months. Three months of being by myself. I hate the navy for that. But at least I got about three and a half more months to go and I won't be pregnant anymore. I got to end this because even now I am getting even more mad. I can't help it though.

Cold days and Car Troubles

I am so irratated right now. My car has starting problems. What's worse is that google doesn't actually have the manual so I can look up the troubleshooting part. And what's even worse is that I have duty tomorrow. I should have let the mechanic take a look underneath the hood when I got my tire replaced. But pride took over reasoning. I mean, IM A MECHANIC, but not of the gas type. Still, sometimes I have to hang my head on this one. My thought, it's something to do with either the fuel line or the carburator. But without the manual, I have NO IDEA if I am right. If it was a deisel engine, I might be able to tell what the problem is.

Other than that, life is good. Can't complain. Other than my damned piece of shit car. But what can you do? Other than light it on fire and toast marshmellows off of it. That might make me happy, and warm and the marshmellow would be nice and gooy on the inside.

About a week ago I found out that I am having a boy. He is one pound already. What a fat little baby. :D I wanted a girl, but I am happy with what I got.

Three more weeks and I will get to see Mike again. I am so happy about that! I can't wait. It seems like forever since I got to see him.

The baby is kicking so hard now. I can feel it even if I am sitting down. Not so much standing, but I am sure that that will come later on. I just can't wait to see my baby face to face.

And man what can I say about my emotions, other than it's a roller coster? It seems like I am happy one minute and pissed the other. Almost bi-polar. And I get a funny feeling everytime I think of Mike and the baby. Not quite pissed, but moody for sure. I can't even handle myself.

Going home

So last night I took a drive up North back to my home. I felt like it was high time to get the hell out of San Diego for a little while. Haven't been back home in two weeks. That's one of the beautiful things about being stationed in California and having a car. I can just go home on the weekends. Albeit it's a long drive, but that's okay. I love driving home. Home gives me a sense of piece and I can go on the next week.



Last night I had flash backs like crazy to older days. I had the window rolled down right outside of town and that not yet winter smell brought me back to the days that I was a child and living in the outskirts of Sanger. Then I went through some old photographs on this computer and I found some pictures of me, Nancy, and Ann back in the day. I looked horrible, just wanted to point. Some of those hairstyles, ugh. But it still made me miss this place even more. Can't wait to get out of the Navy. Even though every thing has changed, I want to be able to come home. I miss my old days. Here are some pictures of us back then...

Truely alone again

Have you ever felt that numbing loneliness as you have no one to hang out with? Yeah, I'm feeling that right now. Mike is leaving very shortly on deployment. Even though he is still in Japan, I got used to having him call me every day. It was really sweet. And now I will have a silent phone, and no one to talk too. Not really. Although I have a feeling that me and my room mate is connecting in that we might could be friends. At least she lets me talk to her. I think I would go insane if I really didn't have anyone to talk too.

It's funny because my emotions are so mixed up right now. I feel bi-polar. Even though I know it's due to this pregnancy, I'm thinking of myself as insane. Like the smallest thing makes me mad now. Like when Mike stuck up for the easy chics pissed me off. Even though he was trying to tell me what he believes, it still made me mad. Or no emails from him saying good bye although he called me yesterday to do that. Or how he showed my ring to another female and claimed she wet her pants. That one pissed me off to know end. Even though I'm good at hiding my anger because I know that it is unsound and lunatic. But really, the last one I think any woman would get mad at. Who would show another woman, who both knows flirts with him, his fiance's wedding ring then tells said fiance that she wet her pants? I know that it was supposed to be meant as a compliment that even she likes the ring, but still.

And point in case, even thinking about it makes me mad. Or when I am watching Smallville, and I hear the opening song, I want to cry because I miss Mike. This is so hard. I don't know how I am going to manage.

But everytime I try and tell someone that I feel overwhelmed, it's you can do it, don't worry. Can't I just break down every once in awhile? I heard that some people want to break their legs or get into an accident so they won't go on this deployment, I would rather trade with them my problems and go back to the boat. I would rather face deployment than worrying where I will live in a month or what I will drive, or what furniture I will have. And what's the shitty part is that most of my family has turned their back on me. Like I have a disease or something

The only person that really hasn't is my sister. Then again we have been stuck to each other since birth that it's probably written in our genetic code somewhere. At least I get to see my twin next weekend. That makes me happy.

I went to the doctor Friday for my prenatal checkup. It went well. I got to hear my baby's heartbeat on the doppler. And right there I wished that Mike was there. It lost some magic because he couldn't listen to it either. I'm not trying to make him out to be a martyr or anything, like poor mike. But I feel bad that he can't hear his baby's heartbeat either.

Where a door closes, a window opens

Have you ever heard that saying before? Where the door closes, a window opens. It means when you think that you are out of hope or options or whatever, there's always one that jumps up and surprises you. And mostly it's going to be at a time you least expect it.

So what's ironic is that my own blood family told me that I was SOL with helping get a car. What's sad my adopted father, not even my real father, said he would help out with getting me a car if he saw one up where he lives that's for sale. How's that one? How can you sit there and tell your PREGNANT niece that your shit out of luck? Or you PREGNANT granddaughter? That's so messed up. They are treating me like I'm shit on their shoe. I think I should have listened to my sister and stopped talking to them a long time ago.

Earlier today I felt so alone. I woke up crying from my nap because I dreamed that I went through the pregnancy and the birth all by my self. But then I remembered that Farva, one of my friends gave me his phone number before I left Japan. So I called him. He said that he would help out as much as he can, what with helping me move and moving furniture. He even said that if I needed a car, he would loan one of his to me. I would have to pay for the insurance every month to him, but if that way is faster for getting a car, then I will take it.

Plus it's a 1973 something or other, so it's not made from beer cans. I mean if he can't come through, at least it's the offer that matters. That means that he really is a friend. Because I would never even consider offering my help to someone who wasn't my friend. Sorry, it sounds like a bitch move, but it's true.

So I won't be entirely alone here. At least there's someone tho hang out with that I have known more than a few days. Hell I've known him for almost a year. And if he really does help me, then I would owe him so much, I wouldn't know how to repay him.

I still miss Mike. He made me laugh today with the whole broom thing, it's an inside joke. But I love him for making me laugh. He's so goofy. I wish I could fall asleep with him, that was a nice feeling. But that's okay, got another two and a half months or three until I see him again. I can't wait.