Going home

So last night I took a drive up North back to my home. I felt like it was high time to get the hell out of San Diego for a little while. Haven't been back home in two weeks. That's one of the beautiful things about being stationed in California and having a car. I can just go home on the weekends. Albeit it's a long drive, but that's okay. I love driving home. Home gives me a sense of piece and I can go on the next week.



Last night I had flash backs like crazy to older days. I had the window rolled down right outside of town and that not yet winter smell brought me back to the days that I was a child and living in the outskirts of Sanger. Then I went through some old photographs on this computer and I found some pictures of me, Nancy, and Ann back in the day. I looked horrible, just wanted to point. Some of those hairstyles, ugh. But it still made me miss this place even more. Can't wait to get out of the Navy. Even though every thing has changed, I want to be able to come home. I miss my old days. Here are some pictures of us back then...

Truely alone again

Have you ever felt that numbing loneliness as you have no one to hang out with? Yeah, I'm feeling that right now. Mike is leaving very shortly on deployment. Even though he is still in Japan, I got used to having him call me every day. It was really sweet. And now I will have a silent phone, and no one to talk too. Not really. Although I have a feeling that me and my room mate is connecting in that we might could be friends. At least she lets me talk to her. I think I would go insane if I really didn't have anyone to talk too.

It's funny because my emotions are so mixed up right now. I feel bi-polar. Even though I know it's due to this pregnancy, I'm thinking of myself as insane. Like the smallest thing makes me mad now. Like when Mike stuck up for the easy chics pissed me off. Even though he was trying to tell me what he believes, it still made me mad. Or no emails from him saying good bye although he called me yesterday to do that. Or how he showed my ring to another female and claimed she wet her pants. That one pissed me off to know end. Even though I'm good at hiding my anger because I know that it is unsound and lunatic. But really, the last one I think any woman would get mad at. Who would show another woman, who both knows flirts with him, his fiance's wedding ring then tells said fiance that she wet her pants? I know that it was supposed to be meant as a compliment that even she likes the ring, but still.

And point in case, even thinking about it makes me mad. Or when I am watching Smallville, and I hear the opening song, I want to cry because I miss Mike. This is so hard. I don't know how I am going to manage.

But everytime I try and tell someone that I feel overwhelmed, it's you can do it, don't worry. Can't I just break down every once in awhile? I heard that some people want to break their legs or get into an accident so they won't go on this deployment, I would rather trade with them my problems and go back to the boat. I would rather face deployment than worrying where I will live in a month or what I will drive, or what furniture I will have. And what's the shitty part is that most of my family has turned their back on me. Like I have a disease or something

The only person that really hasn't is my sister. Then again we have been stuck to each other since birth that it's probably written in our genetic code somewhere. At least I get to see my twin next weekend. That makes me happy.

I went to the doctor Friday for my prenatal checkup. It went well. I got to hear my baby's heartbeat on the doppler. And right there I wished that Mike was there. It lost some magic because he couldn't listen to it either. I'm not trying to make him out to be a martyr or anything, like poor mike. But I feel bad that he can't hear his baby's heartbeat either.

Where a door closes, a window opens

Have you ever heard that saying before? Where the door closes, a window opens. It means when you think that you are out of hope or options or whatever, there's always one that jumps up and surprises you. And mostly it's going to be at a time you least expect it.

So what's ironic is that my own blood family told me that I was SOL with helping get a car. What's sad my adopted father, not even my real father, said he would help out with getting me a car if he saw one up where he lives that's for sale. How's that one? How can you sit there and tell your PREGNANT niece that your shit out of luck? Or you PREGNANT granddaughter? That's so messed up. They are treating me like I'm shit on their shoe. I think I should have listened to my sister and stopped talking to them a long time ago.

Earlier today I felt so alone. I woke up crying from my nap because I dreamed that I went through the pregnancy and the birth all by my self. But then I remembered that Farva, one of my friends gave me his phone number before I left Japan. So I called him. He said that he would help out as much as he can, what with helping me move and moving furniture. He even said that if I needed a car, he would loan one of his to me. I would have to pay for the insurance every month to him, but if that way is faster for getting a car, then I will take it.

Plus it's a 1973 something or other, so it's not made from beer cans. I mean if he can't come through, at least it's the offer that matters. That means that he really is a friend. Because I would never even consider offering my help to someone who wasn't my friend. Sorry, it sounds like a bitch move, but it's true.

So I won't be entirely alone here. At least there's someone tho hang out with that I have known more than a few days. Hell I've known him for almost a year. And if he really does help me, then I would owe him so much, I wouldn't know how to repay him.

I still miss Mike. He made me laugh today with the whole broom thing, it's an inside joke. But I love him for making me laugh. He's so goofy. I wish I could fall asleep with him, that was a nice feeling. But that's okay, got another two and a half months or three until I see him again. I can't wait.

Preditor vs. Prey

I am going to take a break with the whole it's my life theme for my blog for right now. The reason was earlier today I was day dreaming today. Which happens alot now that I am preggo.

Anyways, what I was daydreaming was how ironic everything in the world has something bigger than it that is it's natural preditor. Take for example a fish, it gets eaten by the bear. Or even better, the cat that eats the mouse that gets eaten by the dog who gets killed by the bear. Okay, I doubt a bear will pop up somewhere and kill that dog. Point being, everything gets eaten by something else. It's nature's way of controlling the population.

Except for man. We have nothing that is our natural preditor. So are we a plague on the world? Like a cancer slowing eating the body up until the host dies? Some comedian, I forgot who, stated that we are a cancer.

If you take a look, we act like cancer. We use the natural resources in one place then we move on to another better place until we can't go anywhere else. That's how cancer works in the body's blood and cells and so forth.

Or what if we had a preditor back in the day and we killed them all off. Now nature can't control our population? It's something to think about.

Three month marker

Okay, so I know that I am a couple days off, but if Medical's right about me being fourteen weeks pregnant, I am actually 12 weeks pregnant. Still no sign of the baby bump, which is a good thing. I hate when people ask me if I am pregnant. And then the look they give me, come on, it happens.

My second day in my new command sucked. I had a second class jump me because I "cussed too much" for some of the airman. Really now, if you joined the military and can't handle foul language being tossed around, you should never have joined. Just grow up already. I cuss, it doesn't hurt anyone. It might make me look stupid, but still.

On the brighter side, this morning was foggy. It was the first sign of fall. I was happy when I saw it. It reminded me of back home when I was a kid in a way. Even though I am miles away from home still. Plus it was colder too. Which I am beggining to realize I love the cold. My feet burn all the time and it feels like someone lit them on fire sometimes.

Maybe I can see my sister this weekend. If not then I am going to go to my Aunt's house and see if I can't borrow her Mazda until I get my car back, if I can get my car back. It's so tied up in legal issues right now, I doubt it. The plus side is that eventually I have to be paid back the money I have been paying on the loan. So that's something.

Plus I have to move out of the barracks here pretty soon. They don't like pregnant women living in them, so it's out for me. I found a really nice apartment. The down payment is only 900 dollars and it's nine hundred a month for a two bedroom one bath. Which would be perfect for me and the baby. Plus when Mike comes early next year too.

Sometimes though I feel kind of pushed to grow up all of a sudden and so alone doing it too. I know that I got family to turn too if I really need help, but I am not ready to really be an adult and take on the responsibilities. I will because at one point in life you have too. You have to put away the silly childhood games and take on the boring world.

I have to give in here pretty soon and buy the maternity uniforms. They look really hidious and that will really make me stick out. The only thing I am looking forward too is being able to feel my baby kick! I can't wait. That's what makes my day better, knowing that I am not alone. Not really.

I have another appointment with a CIVILIAN midwife in early october. I can't wait. This one is a test for a quad screening. Meaning they will see if my little squirt has any mental deseases going on. At least that way I can put to rest the what if questions.

I know that I will love the little bugger even if it comes out looking like an alien. It's weird, I think I love it already.

Lost Count

I lost count on what week I am on now. I know it hasn't been three months so that makes it between ten and eleven weeks. Maybe even in my eleventh week right now.

It has been a hectic weekend. I had to leave Japan and leave Mike behind. Also leave all my friends. I am in a foreign town where I don't know anyone. I was here last year, but that was different because the boat was here. Now I have to face this alone.

At least my parents were there when I landed at the airport. That was a nice surprise. Today I have to go check into my barracks and my command. I wish I didn't have too. I wish I was still in Japan, curled up with Mike, sleeping right now.

So yesterday we went to the mall and was looking at baby clothes. I really am hoping for a girl now because there's a bigger selection of clothes for girls. And they are all cute. I will love my baby either way, but yesterday I was really excited when I saw the baby clothes.

It was weird because the baby clothes remind me of doll clothes. How can people start out so small? Anyways, I have to go check out of the hotel and go check into my command.

The nineth week and counting

So I went to my medical appointment Thursday. The baby is doing fine. It was the first time that I got to hear the heart beat and actually see the thing that has been making me sick in the mornings.

I was so happy Thursday because that was when the ship pulled in and Mike was there. I rushed out of that hospital and got a ride to the train station just to meet him. As it was I was early and he wasn't there. But it was fine because he was back. All weekend we just hung out with eachother.

Friday my orders popped though. I found out that before my birthday in ten days, I am leaving Japan for good and going to San Diego, away from the one person that I love. It's pure BS. If the Navy was so family orientated, why do they like splitting couples up like that?

It's only natural for a woman to get pregnant, they don't need to act like it's a dirty thing. And they most certainly shouldn't split the couples up. I am hoping for another weekend with Mike before I leave though. It's a great self delision act. Act like everything is still normal.

I already miss him, and I wonder how I am going to survive without him. He's the only person that makes me happy, the only person that makes me laugh. He's such a dork that it's funny. And I know that when I feel down, he acts like a dork just to make me laugh.

Maybe he's right and this baby just brought us closer and made us realize how much we mean to each other. I certainly hope so. I know that he's worried that when he goes state side and we can finally be together, I won't be there, I would already give up on him. Which isn't true.

I am just worried that he will fall in love with someone else all over again while I am gone and forget about me. It's stupid worries that even he pointed out, but still. I've seen it happen over and over again with couples.

Well anyways, gotta iron the uniform and finish getting ready to go to work.