Wednesday, January 19, 2011

How I love that little boy

Isn't it amazing to watch your baby sleep peacefully? Just a minute ago I was in his room, watching him sleep. I softly touched his hand and he grabbed on to it in his sleep and held on. I can't tell you how much love swept through me.

It's funny because when I think about the first time I heard that I was going to be a mommy, all I could think about was how I just ruined my life. It was back on the ship in the middle of deployment. I got pregant when we made the port call in Austraila.

I remember telling the corpsman, HM1, that I didn't want to be a mommy. I sat there crying saying that I ruined my career. At that point she got mad at me and told me that children were a blessing from God. I remember how bitterly I laughed at her, thinking since when?

That memory replayed through my mind tonight as he held my hand. And you know what? She was right. Children are a gift. You may not want them now, but in the end, a self respecting person wouldn't give their children up without a fight. I know I would never give him up. If I had the chance to go back and undo what I did, I wouldn't.

He is part of the reason why I wake up in the mornings. It breaks my heart to know that one day he will be all grown up and gone, no longer the baby that wants to be rocked to sleep by the sounds of his mother's voice.

The only thing I wish for is my mother to be alive to see her grandson. To see how much they resemble each other. To hear him laugh, to watch him as he figures out how to walk. I know that would've brought a smile to her face.

So, to try an honor my mother's memory, I try and be the best mommy that he needs. Not that I wouldn't anyways, I just want my mother proud on how I'm raising him.

Anyways I'm going to go to sleep now. I just couldnNt hold that in. I love my little family with all my heart. And I know that if I become senile, I will never forget these precious memories of him.

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